4/30/07 x2

I could have resisted. But I didn't want to. Or at least not enough. I was a little hungry, but mostly just wanted to eat. So I ate.

If I had resisted, I would have felt like a success. And felt skinny, despite the fact that a couple of hot dog buns, a couple of slices of bologna and 3 slices of cheese didn't make that much difference in my weight either way. But now I feel like a failure. Because I gave in. Is this all about denying myself what I want? I am too quick to give myself what I want right now, without thought for what I want long-term. It all comes back around to discipline, and my lack thereof.

Man, this psychological stuff sucks. Why can't I just not eat? Why does it have to be all head games? Just eat what I need, and no more. Get my lazy butt off the couch and take a walk. AAUUUGGHH!!

4/30/07

Did well with eating today. Did pretty well yesterday, except for the cherry pie and ice cream.

For lunch yesterday, after having a pretty big breakfast at Cracker Barrel, (I had the Sunrise Sampler, which I ate slowly and savored, and stayed full till mid afternoon) I made rice with mushroom soup. I mad a conscious choice to only make 1/2 cup of rice, when I would normally make 1 cup. May not sound like much to you, but it was a decision to eat less. And I'm pretty happy about that!

4/28/07

Haven't posted much lately because I haven't been working out much lately, and have been eating pretty poorly. Yesterday wasn't too bad, though. I wanted to eat more after dinner, even though I was full. But I was watching What Not To Wear, and didn't want to get up, and then fell asleep in the recliner afterwards. At any rate, I didn't eat more, so it's all good!

Here's what I'm noticing lately, especially this morning. When I start to eat, I don't want to stop. This morning, I had a bagel w/about 2 oz. reduced fat cream cheese and a sprinkle of Parmesan for breakfast. Good portion, nothing excessive. But when I was done, even though I was satisfied hunger-wise, I wanted more to eat. Specifically, toast slathered in butter. I gave some thought to having some. But I knew I wasn't really hungry, so I stayed in bed, where I was eating breakfast and watching TV (gotta have my Lester Holt on Saturday mornings, don't 'cha know) and didn't eat anything else. I kept thinking about it for awhile, prayed about it, and eventually it passed. So I can resist the urges, it's just that most of the time, I don't.

Not sure what the answer here is. I think if I slow down and savor my food more, it will help with the sensual part of eating. Really pay attention to what I'm eating, how it tastes and feels, and makes me feel. I never did finish that mindful eating book, but that is part of what I read in it. Also, instead of eating whatever is easy, I'm going to try to figure out what I really want. And then take my time with it and really enjoy it.

So, that's just kinda what's going on in my head today. I was thinking about keeping real strict track of what I eat, and sending e-mails home from work to record it, but I don't know if I will or not. I think with me, it is more about my emotions and feelings, or desire to escape them, and it may be more important to study why I eat than what I eat. Yes, of course, I do need to make better choices. But I think the most important choices for me right now are about portions.

4/25/07

331.4

Almost 2 pounds. Yay! My goal for next week is 2 pounds. I want to be back under 330, and then continue to go down.

Stress level is down some today. Or at least I'm coping better. Just felt very overwhelmed yesterday. Today, with the help of prayers and encouragement from dear friends, I know that everything will be alright! (Thanks, girls! Love ya!)

Overate today. Don't want to go into the details. Only exercise was 2 flights of stairs.

4/24/07

Yesterday was a good day. Today has been so far.

Did well with my eating yeserday. Push mowed the yard and did weed-eating for my workout. Our yard isn't that big, but it was the hardest I've worked out in a while!

I've got some stressful junk going on in my life right now (financial stuff, car stuff), but I'm trying not to eat to medicate it. It won't change any situation, and will just make me miserable in the long run. What I've been trying to do when I start to fret, is ask God for help, and then thank Him. Instead of trying to work things out by myself, Let Him do his job, and be thankful. How many times do I get myself in a mess because I run on ahead of what God wants to do? Don't think I can count that high! So to keep from stress eating, I have prayer, and beading. Can't eat with a needle and beads in your hands!

The above was all written from work. At home now, and more stressful car stuff. But it will be okay. I did overeat a little, but not too much. We'll see what the scale shows tomorrow.

4/23/07

Eating was good and bad the last few days. Friday was pretty good. No exercise. Saturday was bad, but took a walk after a lovely nap. (FYI--the Papa John's Italian Meat Trio pizza rocks.) Yesterday, no exercise, and better eating than Saturday, but still too much for dinner.

This evening, I will get some exercise by doing yard work. We need to mow and weed-eat.

Friday was a pretty stressful day, at home and work, and I did manage not to stress eat. Saturday, I think the "I don't cares" came back. I need to keep focused on my goals. 40 is not very far away.

4/19/07

Eating was better today. Ate a little too much at dinner, but made a couple of really good choices at lunch and for an afternoon snack.

It was a little chilly, and Sean & I were both tired, so we did not walk tonight. After supper, though, I felt more energetic, and did 2 sets 15 each of biceps curls, triceps extensions, butterflies and over head press. All with 10 lbs in each hand, except for 5's on the butterflies. And I did 1 set 25 on each side of 3 different thigh/hip exercises. I stretched, too. I felt better, physically and mentally after exercising. I'm sure I'll be sore tomorrow, since it has been so long since I've done any weight training, but it will be worth it!

4/18/07

333.2

I want to be at 300 by July 13th. I need to buckle down.

Eating was better yesterday. Still a little too much, but not as much too much, and not as compulsive. I am re-reading Picture Perfect Weight Loss that my health educator sent to me. It should help me to refocus. I've eaten veggies (other than just potatoes) at the last 2 meals. That's something new! I'm trying to incorporate more fruit and veggies. Tonight we're having chicken, rice and pineapple. I have baby carrots at work and at home for snacks.

We took a 35 minute walk last night. Weather was great! We plan on walking again Thursday.

Driving by Wal-mart tonight, I wanted to stop and get potato chips and dip just because I had money in my wallet. Not because I was hungry. I did at least manage to not buy any food. I did have some potato sticks at home, though. At least I saved my money.

4/16/07

After a REALLY busy week last week, I took today off work. Slept in till 10. GLORIOUS!!!!!

Set off this morning to be more intentional and careful about my eating, and so far so good. Although, I've only been up for for a little over 3 hours. Didn't eat everything on my plate for lunch, and had a fat-free pudding cup for dessert. We are having our "daughter" Amber over for dinner tonight, and I will eat some ice cream and a brownie for dessert, but I will limit my consumption of both.

Later this afternoon, we are going for a walk. The weather is nice again now. A little cool, but bright and sunny.

I'm going to drink a lot of water today, too. So far I've had two 25 oz bottles. I've just had the desire to eat continuously lately, and I think drinking lots of water should help fill me up so I can't.

Last night's sermon was about surrender. How many times have I surrendered my eating to God, and then taken it back again? Don't suppose I can count that high. But, I'm giving it a shot again. I can't do this on my own, but I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. (I Cor. 4:13)

4/15/07

So, my 40th b-day is 3 months away. I've not made as much progress as I wanted to by now. As a matter of fact, I've regressed since Easter. I did weigh in this week, sneakily, and it wasn't as bad as I thought it might be, but I'm still not going to record it. I've taken a week off. I'll record my weight, whatever it may be, this coming Wednesday.

I want to reach this goal. I'm giving myself 2 more splurge days, today and tomorrow, then it's back on the wagon. Weather is getting warmer, too, finally, so I can walk again. Hubby and I have a walk planned for tomorrow.

Andrea K. has a great strategy posted on her blog. She is eating what she likes, in controlled, reasonable portions. Since she is not depriving herself, she is not binging on the week-ends. That is so reasonable. I know that it is more a strategy for maintenance, but it seems to me also to be what "normal" people must eat like, and a goal I'd like to achieve.

4/10/07

Recovering from a binge this week-end.

Since Lent was over, I had WAY too much sugar and WAY too many potato chips Sunday. Felt pretty crappy yesterday. Wonder why? ;^) Hopefully, both the sugar and crappiness are out of my system, and I can start getting back to normal.

I don't know if I'll feel brave enough to weigh in tomorrow or not.

I did manage to get in some physical activity last night. Used the weed-eater and pulled some weeds by hand.

4/5/07

Eating choices not so good today, nor were portion sizes. However, I did do a 30 minute yoga work-out. Kathy Smith's New Yoga. I did the first part, which focuses on standing poses. Worked up a good little sweat, and the stretching felt great. I have 2 others that I borrowed from the library, and plan to do one on Saturday afternoon.

4/4/07

330.9

I've stayed the same now for 3 weeks. I'm okay with that. Happy that it is not a gain. Getting ready for TOM, so that may account for staying the same, too.

No exercise again yesterday, but pretty good food choices all day. Quantities a little large at dinner, but not bad. I had planned to work in the yard today, but it was WAY too cold and windy. Maybe tomorrow. I went to the library and borrowed some yoga tapes. I only have them for a week, so I'll try one of them on Saturday.

Pretty good food choices today, too. Too much bread and butter at dinner, but that was really the only problem. I haven't been feeling so compulsive about eating lately. Don't know why, but I'll sure take it.

4/3/07

Sorry no posts for awhile. It was a busy week-end, and not much exercise was involved. I did walk all over Sam's Club Sunday!

Friday was supposed to be my cheat day, and it was, but it ran over into Saturday, too. A little better on Sunday.

Yesterday, we had planned to take a walk; it was absolutely gorgeous outside. But we were both feeling tired and lazy, so we didn't. However, I did make good eating choices all day, and my portions were controlled.

3/28/07

330.8

Same as last week basically. And since I was sick and didn't work out much, I am okay with that. We took a 25 minute walk last night. We had a very nice breeze. We are going to stay at 25 minutes for a while, and then bump it up to 30. Eating was better yesterday, but still room for improvement.


The doctor gave me a script for prevachol, which is available generically at wal-mart for $4. I asked about going off the med after I bring the numbers down and lose weight. He said we could try it. He mentioned 50 lbs, which I was thinking too. We also discussed going off my blood pressure meds as I lose weight. He is willing to reduce it then and see what happens. So that is a reward to look forward to as I lose weight. He also gave me a z-pack for my cold. Said I should start to notice a difference in 3 days.

3/27/06

Had a great week-end at my parent's with family in from out of town, and celebrating my Dad's birthday. Over-ate some. But the big triumph was not eating any of Dad's ice cream cake. I had strawberries and bananas w/Splenda instead.

Finally exercised again yesterday. We walked for 20 minutes. We plan on walking again today, for at least 25 minutes.

Sean's blood glucose has come down 30 points! His doctor wants him to continue with what he's doing check blood work again in 2 months. I made an appointment to see my doctor Wednesday about my cholesterol. I'll keep you posted on what happens.

3/22/07

A couple of posts ago, I was beating up on myself about how hard it is to do the right thing. In today's Lenten devotional, based on Matthew 18:28-35, the writer really pegged it:

"Old habits are hard to break, even when alternatives are always before us."

This brought to mind Isaiah 43:18-19:

Do not remember the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I will do a new thing, now it shall spring forth; shall you not know it? I will even make a road in the wilderness and rivers in the desert.

I've been choosing the old paths lately. I'm tired, or too hungry, or stressed, and it takes more energy to go down a new path, so I go down the old path. But the old paths only lead to the same old places. I need to make a different choice. Did you ever see the Seinfeld episode where George needs to make opposite choices of what he would normally do? That's what I need to do: the opposite of what my instincts tell me.

BTW, I've added a link to a blog I read faithfully, Onederful Bound. Andrea K is a very inspirational lady, and I think you'll enjoy her blog, too.

3/21/07

330.5

Very please with that. Down 3 lbs from last week, at least from the official Tuesday weigh-in. Didn't do anything at lunch. I started getting a sore throat last night at choir rehearsal, and it was still sore today and I feel puny, so I just did beading on a bracelet for my uncle. (so if you read this before I see you, Terry, act surprised!) I ate a little too much, but had not eaten much so far today, so it will probably even out. At least, that's my rationalization for today.

********

I think the reason I've been so tired the last few days is because I was getting sick. I stayed home all evening, watching tv and beading. I'm posting this Thursday morning, and my throat is not so sore as yesterday, but I'm pretty congested and stuff seems to be settling in my chest. I usually get sick a few weeks before major singing events (Christmas, Easter) so this is not a big surprise.

My friend Shauna e-mailed me some encouragement, and another blogger that I read faithfully left an encouraging comment here for me too, regarding my beating up on myself. I seem to be past that, today anyhow.

This morning's devotional was really good. I'll post more about that later.

3/20/07--evening

Came here tonight to beat up on myself awhile. We didn't go for a walk. I was tired, so I took a nap instead. And I ate too much today. Again.

Why can't I just do what I know is right? Why does it have to be such a struggle to eat right and exercise? I know so much about what to eat and what not to eat, how much to eat, what to do. Why can't I just put it into practice?

Okay, so tomorrow will be a better day. I will go up to the gym and do something at lunch. And I will try to eat less, and better.

Just why does it have to be so hard???

(sorry, done whining now.)

3/20/07

Did better with my eating yesterday. Had too large of an evening snack, but I did eat a smaller supper to compensate. I waited too long for a snack, and got too hungry, so I wanted a lot of snack. Also had too much salt, which is reflected in some bloat this morning.

Sean and I took a walk last evening. One block further than last time. We plan on walking tonight, too. It's supposed to be near 70 today. The rest of the week calls for a chance of rain nearly every day, but I don't think it's supposed to be all day every day, so we're going to try to get more walking in. I need to do some weights and abs, too.