12/18/05

I am trying something different. It feels very strange. Scary, even. I don't want to put myself out there for anyone to view. I want to be in control of how you view me. I want to control exactly what you see, and know. But I feel the need to do something different. And if I don't like it, I'll stop.

I am 5'8". I weigh 349.5 pounds, as of December 16th. This is my highest weight, within a couple of pounds. I was at 300 once before, lost some weight, and never wanted to see that number again. But here it is, plus some.

I love to eat. I love the sensation of food in my mouth. I love the different textures. I eat when I'm happy. I eat when I'm sad. I eat when I'm bored. I eat for any reason and no reason at all. No, I take that back. I'm sure there is a reason. A void I am trying to fill. When I was little, I think food was the only "friend" I could count on. Might write more on that later. But now I'm grown up, and I know I should turn to Jesus to fill that void. That loneliness. But I turn to food, because it is what I know.

I weighed 160 once. I was 16 years old. I looked too skinny, when I see the pictures now. Even my husband agrees, God bless him. I am aiming for 180-200. I'd like to be there by the time I am 40, which is in 2008.

I've been working out for a little over 2 months now. Sometimes, I actually enjoy it. I definitely enjoy the benefits. And I REALLY like it when I am done. But I know I have to work out to lose weight. And I know I must eat less. That is the hard part. My pastor preached on porn a few weeks ago, and I realized that food is pretty much my porn. It is all about lust and desire; just that my lust and desire is for food. I did pretty good for one week after that sermon, and lost 2.7 pounds. But it's Christmas time, and I'm eating like a pig. And I twisted my ankle, so my work outs have been less than consistant. But, I have stayed within a pound of that loss, so I consider that maintaining. And if I can maintain over the holidays, and keep working out, I will consider that a success. And I will hit the eating thing hard after the first of the year.

I feel a bit better already. I think this will be a good outlet for me. I don't think I'll tell too many people about this. Some will probabley discover it by accident. I think just knowing that it is out there will help me. It feels like enough sharing for now. One can only be so open.