9/16/07

I finally watched the first ep of Biggest Loser that I had dvr'ed last night. And inspired by it, I made some goals for today. I have: walked for 20 minutes, eaten 2 servings of fruit, and had no secondhelpings. I am 60 oz into my 80 oz of water, and will have Sean help me do my measurements later tonight. That will get everything on my list accomplished. I'll make a new list for tomorrow. Two things that will remain consistent are 80 oz of water and no second helpings.

9/14/07

My friends MaryAnn and Chuck came over last night, and we did DDR. We had a ball! I figure I danced for 15-20 minutes all together. Not a lot, but more exercise than most nights.

9/12/07

340

Pretty much the same as last week. I'm okay with that. The scales I weigh on back in the endo department were digital; today they had been replace by traditional doctor's scales. I don't really think that made any difference in my weight.

We mowed the yard yesterday, so I did get some exercise. I may be doing DDR with girlfriend tomorrow night. Yeah, I know I could do it by myself, but honestly, I probably won't.

On a completely different subject, I made a FABULOUS cover for my wrist rest at work. My skin kinda stuck to it, so I got this gorgeous silky fabric in the remnant bin at Hobby Lobby. I had some left over, so I made 2 memo boards for my walls. Really brightens up the horse stall! (If you saw my office, you'd understand. The desks are set up for patient privacy. Privacy isn't achieved, but we feel like we have stalls.)

PS--My girlfriend Shauna sent me the "Smart is the new Skinny" magnet for one of my 40th b-day presents. Love it!!!!

9/5/07

339.2

Not as hideous as I expected. And I've made pretty good food choices for most of the day. Perhaps not the most nutritious, but portion-wise, pretty good.

9/4/07

Last night I read a scripture that rocked my world.

8-10 "'But they rebelled against me, wouldn't listen to a word I said. None got rid of the vile things they were addicted to. They held on to the no-gods of Egypt as if for dear life. I seriously considered inflicting my anger on them in force right there in Egypt. Then I thought better of it. I acted out of who I was, not by how I felt. And I acted in a way that would evoke honor, not blasphemy, from the nations around them, nations who had seen me reveal myself by promising to lead my people out of Egypt. And then I did it: I led them out of Egypt into the desert.

Ezekiel 20:8-10, The Message

I acted out of who I was, not by how I felt. WOW! If I can get a handle on that verse, and actually live it out, it is going to make a difference not only in my eating, but my entire life. I'm a little hesitant to post this on here, because I try so many things and fail. But at least I'm trying. I haven't given up. And by posting here I can have some accountability.

I want to do some further study inspired by this verse. I'm going to research who I am in Christ; list some scriptures to remind myself of who I am and to whom I belong. And I do want to act in a way that brings honor to the God I claim to serve.

So, all that being said, I paid more attention to my eating today, and did will most of the day, except for a too large afternoon snack. But progress, not perfection. I certainly did better that yesterday. I will weigh in tomorrow, and I expect to be horrified by the results. But I'll post them anyhow.

8/24/07

I've realized that I'm in an "I don't care" mode right now, and that's just going to have to be okay. I'm hovering around the same weight, eating too much and not exercising. When I start eating right again and exercising, the weight will come off again. But for right now, this is where I am.

8/20/07

338.5 on 8/16.

I was right about the bump being from eating so late.

8/15/07

342

Okay, I said I was going to be honest even if I didn't like what I saw. I and DEFINITELY didn't like what I saw this morning. Or how I felt. And I wasn't going to post. But, here I am.

I ate supper early last night, so I was hungry again late, and I ate again. Which probably (hopefully) explains the big jump. I am going to weigh again tomorrow. I ate better portions today. I really need to work some exercise in. I did weed-eating yesterday, and planned to mow my half of the yard, but the mower broke. We just borrowed my friend's boy and mower tonight, as it was much hotter and very humid.

8/11/07

338.9

Down 1.7 since Wed. So much for trying not to weigh every day! And I find it kinda funny that when I am up 1 lb, I can discount it, but when I lose 1 or 2, it's a triumph!

Had planned over-eating last night. I was called to be a sub at Bunco (woo-hoo!), and if you've never played, it's all about the food and fellowship. You kinda have to pick up some food each time you go by the food table. I at reasonably all day, and didn't eat supper, so it would help off set the bunco abundance. And this morning, started back in on reasonable portions and eating only when hungry. I'm going to a cook out tomorrow afternoon, and the plan is to eat a little of each thing that I'd like, but not a ton of anything.

8/8/07

340.6

About what I expected. I think it is mostly due to the salt last night. I am going to try very hard not to weigh until next Wednesday. I don't need to obsess with the scale. My eating has been good today. Appropriate portions. Only when hungry. I'm having a salad from TGI Friday's for lunch, the Asian Glazed Chicken on Field Greens.

**************************************************************

The salad was quite yummy. The cilantro lime dressing was spicy. I also had some tortilla chips and spinach dip. Reasonable portion. Didn't feel stuffed, just full.

For dinner, I did eat too much. Well, dessert, actually. I ate quite a big portion of key lime pie. But, it wasn't the whole day, just one meal. And, I wanted to get seconds on the chips and dip at lunch, but consciously chose not too. Progress, not perfection.

8/7/07

I kinda accidentally did well today at lunch, then went a little past pleasantly full. I ordered lunch from a pizza joint with the Pulmo drug rep, but had to go to lunch early and didn't know when my order would get here, so I ate from the other drug rep lunch. And I had a reasonable amount, and was satisfied. Then, my other order didn't come in. Which was just as well. But then I ate a little more at the end of my lunch hour. Just because it was there, free, and tasted good. I gotta stop doing that. I'm past full, but not stuffed and uncomfortable. At least, not physically. Mentally, yes. But still, I'm doing better than last week.

*******************************************************************

The over eating continued in the evening. Had a snack at work I didn't really need. So I didn't snack when I got home from work. But then by the time I made supper, I was too hungry, and ate too much. Plus had quite a bit of salt, which doesn't bode well for my weigh in.

8/6/07

I did pretty well with my portions today. I thought about what I was eating, and how much. I feel pretty good about it. I didn't feel overly full after any occasion of eating, and with one exception, I only ate when hungry. The one exception was 1 piece of chocolate, a coconut creme. I stopped at one piece, and was satisfied.

I weighed, and am about the same as the last time I recorded my weight. Which makes me think that I had bumped up before I got sick. I'm going to resume my regular Wednesday weigh-ins, and start reporting faithfully again, good or bad.

8/3/07

Stayed home sick from work today with some stomach thing. Vomiting and diarrhea. Fun.

I've been eating WAY too much lately, and I'm going to try to use this as a new starting point. When I can eat again, I'm going to focus on eating when I'm hungry and stopping when I'm full again. Might as well make something good out of this!

7/25/07

Got all my water in. Mowed the front yard (hubby always does the back). Ate too much, but especially for my snack after work, was very mindful of and attentive to what I was eating. Really paid attention to and enjoyed the texture of the flat bread wraps I had w/some veggie dip.

Got weighed in and measured body fat for the weight loss study today. I'm going to wait for tomorrow to post weight, but my body fat percentage is 56.3%, and my BMI is 53.1. UGH!!! Nowhere to go but down from there!

7/24/07

Well, I got in my water. We put off yard work until tomorrow. And I ate way too much.

Tomorrow, I will get in my water, focus on eating mindfully and in reasonable amounts, and if we don't mow the yard, I'll do some weights & abs.

7/23--part 2

So far so good today. And since I'm getting ready to go to bed soon, I should be fine. Met my eating goals, need a little more water, and didn't exercise, as expected. Tomorrow, we are planning yard work.

We are having a snack-y carry-in at work tomorrow for one of the nurses last day. I'm making hummus, which will be pretty good for me. I am going to have small portions of the things I like. I am not going to eat food just because it is free and it is there. I have a choice.

7/23/07

I had good intentions last week, but didn't follow through. I did manage to do DDR once, and found out that I am NOT ready for the workout mode. I just kept my feet moving, and did work up a really good sweat. I got all my water in on about half the days. And I did get a fruit or veggie in on most days. But I still ate WAY too much. I continue to blame stress (work) here, but I do have a choice. So today, I start out again. I'm having a smoothie for breakfast, with fat-free yogurt, skim milk, strawberries, a banana and some oj concentrate. I will drink at least 64 oz water. Exercise is iffy today; I have rehearsal tonight, so if I do anything it will have to be at lunch.

I did weigh last week, but didn't like what I saw, so I decided not to post it.

7/16/07

Did better on my eating today. Ate a little too much at both lunch and dinner, but not as much as I have been eating. I think it was just out of habit; I need to pay attention to what I am eating.

I did get all my water in, and I had a veggie (salad) and some fruit (watermelon).

7/15/07

I finally got a work-out in. I requested, and received, a DDR (Dance Dance Revolution) mat for my b-day. (DH takes hints very well!) I had found a PS2 disc for it at a yard sale for $1 (!) that I gave to my friend Kelly, and I borrowed it back from her today. I did 6 songs, and worked up a good little sweat. It has a work-out mode, and I'll work up to that.

Now that all the b-day festivities are out of the way, I am going to start setting some goals again. I want to work out at least 3 times this week, with 1 of those time being weights. I am going to drink at least 64 oz of water a day. And I'm going to try very hard to eat at least 1 fruit or veggie (that isn't a potato) each day. I know, I need much more that that, but for me, that is a good start. I bought some baby carrots to munch on today, and some fat free vanilla yogurt and frozen strawberries to make smoothies with. Sean got me a blender at a yard sale this week-end for 50 cents. I think I may have a smoothie for breakfast tomorrow.

Here are some pics from various b-day celebrations. The first one is me and Sean at Olive Garden celebrating his 39th b-day.

This is (l to r) MaryAnn, me and Kim. We went out for brunch at Bob Evans, then shopping at Hobby Lobby.

This is how the girls at work decorated my desk on Friday.

7/11/07

338.9

Down .6 since last week. And, I did my 3 month blood work today, and my cholesterol is down to 195. WooHoo!

7/7/07

For some reason, I can't enter anything into the title line.

I did something good today. Something I haven't done in a while. I made some mini-corndogs for the guys playing poker in my basement before I left for my Community Band concert. I love mini-corndogs. Somehow, miniature versions of food seem to taste better than the regular sized versions. Except for mini-corn, which is gross. But anyhow, I wasn't hungry, so I didn't eat any! Been awhile since I've done that! By the time I left the concert, I was getting hungry, so I came home and ate. I am full, not stuffed. Good for me!

7/6/07

339.5.

I'm giving myself 1 more week of indulgence, and then I will buckle down again.

7/4/07

Happy Independence Day!

I hope you all get to enjoy some fireworks, and tear up a little when you hear the National Anthem and Stars and Stripes Forever. We have much to be grateful for.

Eating has not been too bad the last couple of day. Not necessarily the best nutritional choices, but quantities have been better. Did mow yard Monday, so that made for some exercise.

We played a good concert with the Terre Haute Community Band last night, right before the fireworks. (Ours are on the 3rd, for some reason. Which works out great for me, since I have to go back to work tomorrow.) I love fireworks, and they were pretty good this year.

Couldn't find a link to my new fave treat. Minutemaid soft frozen lemonade. SO GOOD! And only 70 calories and no fat. So refreshing!

7/1/07

Didn't do a weigh-in this week. I'm off until Thursday, and will weigh then.

I've continued my current routine of stress eating lately. Hopefully, these few days off work will help that situation. And actually, I haven't eaten too terribly the last 2 days. And I did yard work tonight, so that will count as exercise. Cut down a lot of vines and trimmed some trees. Plan on getting the yard mowed tomorrow.

6/22/07

334.2

Down 1/2 lb from last week. Okay. Goal for next week, well, no specific weight goal. I want to be down. I want to pay more attention to my eating. Eat more slowly. Drink more water. Work out at least 2 times. I think that this is good; I haven't set any goals for a while.

I think part of the reason I am in my funk, mood, don't want to care attitude is that I am not going to reach my 40x40 goal. Like so many other things in my life, I started well, but didn't finish. Except, 40 doesn't have to be the finish line. Yes, it was a goal I had set for myself. And I missed it. And I am going to have to be okay with that. But I can set new goals, and just achieve them in a longer time. I'm still going to be 40 and FABULOUS!!!! My weigh doesn't change that!!!!!

So, I think the combo of stress/running at full steam all the time at work, not reaching my goals, and as much as I try to deny it, the number 40, have all contributed to my lackluster eating habits. I say 40 doesn't bother me, but I look at some other people around me, 40 or younger, and they seem to have accomplished so much more than I have. But let's look at what I have accomplished: I have a good marriage. I have a good paying, albeit currently stressful job. I have a great community of friends. I have started playing horn again, which fills a part of me that had been empty for a quite a while. And I seem to be developing a self-awareness that will serve me well. I have a husband and a core group of friends that help me keep things in perspective. They help me see that I'm both not so bad and not so great! Yeah, so I'm overweight. I'll eventually get to my goals. I do feel that I'm learning a lot along the way. Which may be the most important thing.

Gee, I can be really philosophical at midnight!

Flickr

This is a test post from , a fancy photo sharing thing.

6/15/07

334.8

as of yesterday. Same few pounds, up and down.

Tried to update my weight ticker, but blogspot won't let me use that function right now. Bummer.

Not much to say tonight. I'm sure those of you who stop by here regularly are tired of reading the same old thing, as much as I'm tired of posting the same old thing. Which is why I haven't posted much lately.

It will be okay. I will get past this slump. Just not sure I want to right now.

6/6/07

333.2.

Down 3.3 lbs since last week. Maybe because I actually worked out, albeit gently, a few times this past week. We took a lovely walk last evening, for about 20 minutes.

I feel like I did well with eating today. Not out of control. Not stuffed. Satisfied. It's a nice feeling!

6/4/07

Never did make it to the "dirt fest" this week-end. But I can still employ the sharing food plan if I make it to the Vigo County Fair. (Wanna go, Kelly?)

Eating was not so good this week-end. I keep giving in to a "what the heck" attitude. Today was better. Mostly controlled portions. In a significant success, I stopped at 2 pieces of Pizza Hut pizza at lunch, despite the fact that there was much more left. And I stayed in the break room without being desperate to have more. I got out my beading and got busy, and soon realized that I was content with what I had eaten. Yay! I am up too late right now playing on the computer, and I was hungry, because we ate dinner pretty early, since I had Terre Haute Community Band rehearsal tonight. So I got a snack of McDonald's apple dippers, minus the dip. My friend Nate had gotten them by accident yesterday, and left them here for me. A tasty and nutritious snack that I feel good about!

6/2/07

Wednesday night, I did a Pilate's for beginners DVD that I picked up at Dollar Tree, one of my FAVORITE stores. I thought it was pretty good stretching, but really realized how much so on Thursday, when my quads were quite tender. Especially getting up and down all day getting patients' tickets. Thursday, I mowed the front yard and about 3/4 of the back. Nothing on Friday.

Eating for Thursday was pretty good. Yesterday, not so much. It was very busy at work, and we were short handed. So, looking back, I think it was just stress eating. The day went well, and we all worked together well, but it was non-stop, and carby goodness seemed comforting.

I'm hoping to go with some friends to the Fairbanks Park Art & Music Festival ("Dirt Fest" to the locals) today and enjoy/indulge in some fair food. A couple of friends wanted to go, and it ends this week-end, but we haven't been able to get together yet. I think the plan is that we'll get several things and share, so we won't be completely pigging out.

336.5

Up 5 lbs since the last time I weighed, 2 weeks ago. I just didn't want to know last week. Not so thrilled with this week, either, but it is about what I expected. I'm sure anyone reading this is getting tired of seeing me post about refocusing, again, but that's what I'm doing, again. And I am revising my 40x40 goal. My birthday is in 6 weeks. I can't lose 36 lbs by then. Even if I had that kind of discipline, I would be hurting myself. And if I did have that kind of discipline, I wouldn't be where I am. So I am shooting for 20 lbs. And that will be 40 lbs total, since October 2005. Not so much, really, but at least the right direction.

I did 100 crunches last night. I plan to do some sort of exercise tonight; not sure what. I know exercise is key to me losing weight, but I just haven't wanted to lately. So I haven't. Back to the discipline again. Which has also been the focus of my devotional time this last week. Part of my reading is in Proverbs, and everything I've been journaling about is discipline. So maybe that's an indication of good things to come.

5/21/07

Still haven't gotten those rocks moved to the front of the house...

On Saturday, I worked at a Habitat for Humanity build in West Terre Haute. The site supervisor wisely put me in the group not involved with installing windows and doors, or anything that took any actual skills. I shovelled and leveled dirt in the back for the deck, and helped dig post holes. Manually. (note to self: when we put in our deck, RENT A POWER AUGER!!) Wasn't as sore as I expected the next day, except for my hands. It sure felt like a good work-out. Thought I'd plant flowers and move rocks that afternoon, but for some reason I was pooped, so it will wait.

Altogether, I think I did reasonably well with eating this week-end. And particularly today. We'll see what the scales say Wednesday.

5/18/07

A little progress, a little regression today. And I choose to be okay with that.

Had a REALLY nummy breakfast souffle thingie from Panera this morning. Could have eaten more than one, but I was full, so I didn't need too. Then, while walking past the break room to go to the bathroom, saw all the delicious free food sitting there. More souffles, bagels, fruit and stuff. But I wasn't hungry. So while in the bathroom, I prayed (I do a lot of my prayer there--quiet, solitary--God knows what I'm in there for, so I figure he doesn't care where I'm at!) to resist the food, and eat again when I was full. And I did resist! Yay me! When I was hungry again, I did have 1/2 a souffle. I had salad for lunch, and stopped when I was full, instead of eating it all because it is a "good" food. And since I wanted something sweet to finish the meal, I had fruit instead of some gooey breakfast thing still leftover. Reasonable snack after work, too.

Now to the regression. It was really busy and stressful at work today, and I even said out loud that I'd like to binge, because of the stress. But I decided (also said out loud) that I could still make good choices. Good to start with. But then for supper, I made spaghetti and turkey meatballs. The bad part was the ENTIRE loaf of garlic bread I ate. We stopped at a local spaghetti shop and got 2 loaves of their garlic bread to go with dinner; 1 for each of us. I knew I shouldn't have, but wanted it so I did it anyway.

2/3rds of the day was full of good choices. That is progress, and I will continue with my progress. I can't break 39 years of bad habits in a couple of weeks. But I will break them, in time and with God's help. Again, I choose to be okay with today.

(Okay, I just looked at the nutritional info for the souffle I had. UGH! But fat make food taste good, and it was DELICIOUS!)

5/17/07

331.4

Not a lot, but downward, so I'm satisfied.

I've been eating past full for the last few days. I've done better today, though. And I actually exercised last night. I did 3 sets 15 each of isolation biceps curls and overhead triceps extensions, both with 10lb weights, and shoulder press and side arm raise with 5lb weights. Tonight we're going to mow, and possible move some rocks for a border in front of the house.

5/14/07

Well, I'm in the wait list group, or control group, for the study, not the weight loss group. I'm kind of bummed, but I will still get the opportunity to do the program in 10 months or so. And I still get paid. I will go in for more paperwork and blood work periodically. And when they offer me the chance to do the program, I intend to take it. I'm still going to work with the intuitive eating thing, so far as I know it. But I need to check and see if I can actually research it on my own, or if I should just go with what I already know.

For the good news, I'm down 1lb over the week-end. And that's even after I ate breakfast. That's 2 week-ends in a row now that I've either lost or stayed the same. Not much of a streak, yet, but I intend to stretch it out!

Had our first rehearsal for the Terre Haute Community Band tonight. I play French horn, and it has been at least 8 years since I played with any regularity. I think my mouthpiece may be permanently embedded in my lips! I had a lot of fun! Forgot what a work-out it is. We rehearsed for 2 hours. I got a little winded in the last half-hour, and my left arm is really tired. I really expected my right arm, which supports the weight of the horn, to be worse. We rehearse each Monday, and we have concerts every other Saturday evening starting June 9.

5/13/07

Happy Mother's Day!

Did real well with my eating yesterday. Went with my friend Kelly for breakfast at Cracker Barrel, then some shopping. Usually, when I go to Cracker Barrel, I automatically order something with biscuits and gravy. I loves me some biscuits and gravy! But it felt too heavy yesterday morning, so I got Eggs in a Basket, with turkey sausage and hash brown casserole. Ate slowly while chatting w/Kelly, and enjoyed my food, and felt full, not stuffed. A nice feeling! Eating that way continued the rest of the day.

I finally got some exercise in! We took a lovely walk on the National Road Heritage Trail. We went out the trail head in Seelyville, for a change of scenery. And it is nicely shaded, which will be great later this summer when it is warmer. Below are some pics from that excursion.

I think it would be a cool idea to allow graffiti artists to decorate the bottom of the overpasses, not just along the trail but all over town. There are some talented artists out there, and the city could sponsor a contest or something. I'm sure it would be hard to prevent other people from covering up the artwork, but I think it's a good idea to look into.

5/11/07--part 2

Did pretty well with the intuitive eating today. It was cool to be hungry, eat one (only one!) chocolate chip cookie, and not have to feel bad about it. And, at lunch, I had a chicken salad sandwich and some steamed broccoli, and 1 serving spoon full of mac and cheese. Not a ton. And I was happy with that. Mac and cheese can be a huge binge starter for me.

Went for my paperwork and interview for the weight loss study this afternoon. TONS of paperwork. How do you feel about this, that and the other. Then an interview about some of my answers. I go Monday morning for my blood work. Unless something is wonky with that, I will be in the study. And I'll find out Monday morning before I leave which group I'm in; weight loss or wait list. I hope the weight loss group, but either will be fine.

5/11/07

331.8

Down 3.3 lbs from last weeks official weigh-in. So the intuitive eating must be working. I am especially happy that I did not gain over the week-end. I need to make time for more exercise, and stop making excuses. Tuesday night, I mowed the front yard for my exercise. It was very hot, but we waited until about 7, and it had cooled down nicely.
I'm trying again to eat more fruit and veggies. I've actually been wanting veggies lately. Monday night we ordered out, and instead of a calzone, I actually wanted a salad. I picked up some oranges and apples yesterday to snack on.

Typed the above on Wednesday. The last few days I've experienced the normal struggles. Trying to break the habit of eating past full. And of eating on auto-pilot. Exercise is a struggle, too. I'm not working out at lunch, and I don't work out at home because I'm too tired or have other stuff to do. I need to 1)get more sleep, and B)stop making excuses and just do it.

5/7/07

Weighed in today, just to see. I weighed the same as on Thursday, which was a couple of pounds less than the official weigh-in on Wednesday. I take that as a good sign, and that the more "intuitive" approach I'm taking is working, since I normally see a gain after the week-end.

Ate well today. Although I really need to get past this "good" and "bad" thing. But I'll probably always find some way to quantify or define it. Anyhow, let myself get a little too hungry at the end of the work day, but when I got home, after a little shopping, (BTW, I got a pair of black capris at Fashion Bug for $5.71 after 30% off and a $10 off coupon!!!!) I had a pb&j on 1 slice of bread. I figured if that didn't do the trick, I could always get another. But it did the trick nicely!

I'll be at the South office a long time tomorrow. We have patients scheduled until noon, so if I get out of there by 1, I'll be doing good. I need to make sure to take snackage, and probably my lunch. I got some frozen fruit out to defrost for a snack or maybe breakfast, and I have a banana this is just this side of too ripe, so I need to eat it tomorrow.

For what will pass as exercise tonight, we pulled ivy from around the foundation/out from under the siding. Tomorrow, we're going to mow, and probably pull some more ivy.

5/6/07

Slept in today, then made brunch. Scrambled eggs w/turkey ham, mushrooms, and potatoes. Only had 3 eggs, so it was more stuff w/scrambled eggs than scrambled eggs w/stuff. And 2 slices whole wheat toast. Then we went for a walk in the beautiful weather.

Did well all day with mindful eating. Ate when I was hungry, and didn't eat to the point of being uncomfortable. Pleasantly full, or maybe a little past that at supper. Something new for me today, though. I left food in the skillet and pan at brunch and supper. Normally, because it is there, I will eat it. I've been trying to put in to practice the thought that if I want more, it will still be there. And usually I'm satisfied with what I have on my plate. Also, I had bread and butter for supper, and I only ate about 1/2 a slice.

5/4/07

The mindful eating, intuitive eating, has been going well. I've been trying to pay attention to when I'm hungry, and how I'm hungry, and eat accordingly. I've been pretty successful at slowing down, too. I did eat too much at lunch today, right past satisfied and full, and on to a little uncomfortable. This will take some practice.

I have stopped reading Eating Mindfully and reading the e-mail I signed up for, though. I got a call from ISU about the study I called about. From the sounds of it, it will involve some of the same principles, and when I mentioned the book, the lady said to stop reading it at this point. I don't think I've read enough to disqualify me from the study. It is a NIH study, and will involve 10 weeks of meetings, and then follow up for 10 months. The is a study group and a wait list group, and even the wait list group gets the opportunity to do the program after the 10 months, so it's a win/win situation. And everyone gets paid $160. I go for interview/paperwork on next Friday, and lab work the following Monday. The program starts the next day, so I guess I'll find out that day or the next if I'm in or not. I'll keep you posted.

5/2/07

335.1

Not surprised there. I hope some is related to my period, but it is more likely my eating.

I read some of the information on intuitive eating on-line last night. It makes a lot of sense. My Mindful Eating book was mentioned on one site. I have it with me today, and may read it at lunch. I have my devotions to read first, though.

Today's goals (8:22 am):
64 oz water
controlled portions
slower eating

I won't have time to exercise today as I have ArtReach and rehearsal tonight.

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So far so good today (4:40pm). Had a 4" subway roast beef sandwich
w/lots of veggies, lite mayo and mustard, and some broccoli salad for
lunch. And a 100 calorie Hershey's wafer bar for desert. Got hungry
again around 4, and had a 90 calorie bag of Quaker Mini Delights, so
that I wouldn't be starving by dinner. I have gotten in all my water,
and will drink more later, too.

*****************************************************************

For dinner, I had 1/2 a thin crust steak fajita pizza. I ate slowly, and was still hungry, so I had some potato sticks w/spicy buffalo dressing. I feel full now, but not stuffed.

I received an e-mail I signed up for about intuitive eating, with steps to start eating that way. I'll read it in the next couple of days.

5/1/07

Okay, so today is a new day, and I am ready to pick back up and start over again. Yes, I was down on myself last night. But I'll be starting my period soon, too, and that accounts for some of the moodiness.

Goals for today (I'm typing this at 8:25 am):
64 oz water
controlled portion sizes
exercise (yard work, walk, or weights)

***************************************************************

I think I may just be an idiot. I knew I wanted to control my portions today. I took lunch late, and I hadn't eaten a snack, so I was very hungry. I had a pretty large lunch; baked potato w/taco meat and nacho cheese, some nachos (drug rep lunch). That was bad enough. But then I went back for seconds. I knew I was full. I didn't even enjoy it that much. But I did it anyway. What I also did was call one of our local universities, Indiana State, to see about a weight loss study through the psychology department. The ad asks if you feel out of control around food. Sometimes, a lot of the time, yes. It is a 10 week program, with a year of follow up. You could get paid $160. It can't hurt, and it might help. I'm waiting for them to call back.

****************************************************************

So for dinner tonight I had a calzone w/chicken, spinach, mushrooms, tomatoes and cheese, and 2 1/2 bread sticks. A lot of bread, but not out of control. Ate slowly (for me) and enjoyed it. Thought about having some ice cream, but I will pass.

Andrea K. left a comment about intuitive eating. I'm going to do some research and see what that is about.

I have met my water goal. I have met my controlled portion goal for 2 of 3 meals. I'm not going to get in any exercise today.

4/30/07 x2

I could have resisted. But I didn't want to. Or at least not enough. I was a little hungry, but mostly just wanted to eat. So I ate.

If I had resisted, I would have felt like a success. And felt skinny, despite the fact that a couple of hot dog buns, a couple of slices of bologna and 3 slices of cheese didn't make that much difference in my weight either way. But now I feel like a failure. Because I gave in. Is this all about denying myself what I want? I am too quick to give myself what I want right now, without thought for what I want long-term. It all comes back around to discipline, and my lack thereof.

Man, this psychological stuff sucks. Why can't I just not eat? Why does it have to be all head games? Just eat what I need, and no more. Get my lazy butt off the couch and take a walk. AAUUUGGHH!!

4/30/07

Did well with eating today. Did pretty well yesterday, except for the cherry pie and ice cream.

For lunch yesterday, after having a pretty big breakfast at Cracker Barrel, (I had the Sunrise Sampler, which I ate slowly and savored, and stayed full till mid afternoon) I made rice with mushroom soup. I mad a conscious choice to only make 1/2 cup of rice, when I would normally make 1 cup. May not sound like much to you, but it was a decision to eat less. And I'm pretty happy about that!

4/28/07

Haven't posted much lately because I haven't been working out much lately, and have been eating pretty poorly. Yesterday wasn't too bad, though. I wanted to eat more after dinner, even though I was full. But I was watching What Not To Wear, and didn't want to get up, and then fell asleep in the recliner afterwards. At any rate, I didn't eat more, so it's all good!

Here's what I'm noticing lately, especially this morning. When I start to eat, I don't want to stop. This morning, I had a bagel w/about 2 oz. reduced fat cream cheese and a sprinkle of Parmesan for breakfast. Good portion, nothing excessive. But when I was done, even though I was satisfied hunger-wise, I wanted more to eat. Specifically, toast slathered in butter. I gave some thought to having some. But I knew I wasn't really hungry, so I stayed in bed, where I was eating breakfast and watching TV (gotta have my Lester Holt on Saturday mornings, don't 'cha know) and didn't eat anything else. I kept thinking about it for awhile, prayed about it, and eventually it passed. So I can resist the urges, it's just that most of the time, I don't.

Not sure what the answer here is. I think if I slow down and savor my food more, it will help with the sensual part of eating. Really pay attention to what I'm eating, how it tastes and feels, and makes me feel. I never did finish that mindful eating book, but that is part of what I read in it. Also, instead of eating whatever is easy, I'm going to try to figure out what I really want. And then take my time with it and really enjoy it.

So, that's just kinda what's going on in my head today. I was thinking about keeping real strict track of what I eat, and sending e-mails home from work to record it, but I don't know if I will or not. I think with me, it is more about my emotions and feelings, or desire to escape them, and it may be more important to study why I eat than what I eat. Yes, of course, I do need to make better choices. But I think the most important choices for me right now are about portions.

4/25/07

331.4

Almost 2 pounds. Yay! My goal for next week is 2 pounds. I want to be back under 330, and then continue to go down.

Stress level is down some today. Or at least I'm coping better. Just felt very overwhelmed yesterday. Today, with the help of prayers and encouragement from dear friends, I know that everything will be alright! (Thanks, girls! Love ya!)

Overate today. Don't want to go into the details. Only exercise was 2 flights of stairs.

4/24/07

Yesterday was a good day. Today has been so far.

Did well with my eating yeserday. Push mowed the yard and did weed-eating for my workout. Our yard isn't that big, but it was the hardest I've worked out in a while!

I've got some stressful junk going on in my life right now (financial stuff, car stuff), but I'm trying not to eat to medicate it. It won't change any situation, and will just make me miserable in the long run. What I've been trying to do when I start to fret, is ask God for help, and then thank Him. Instead of trying to work things out by myself, Let Him do his job, and be thankful. How many times do I get myself in a mess because I run on ahead of what God wants to do? Don't think I can count that high! So to keep from stress eating, I have prayer, and beading. Can't eat with a needle and beads in your hands!

The above was all written from work. At home now, and more stressful car stuff. But it will be okay. I did overeat a little, but not too much. We'll see what the scale shows tomorrow.

4/23/07

Eating was good and bad the last few days. Friday was pretty good. No exercise. Saturday was bad, but took a walk after a lovely nap. (FYI--the Papa John's Italian Meat Trio pizza rocks.) Yesterday, no exercise, and better eating than Saturday, but still too much for dinner.

This evening, I will get some exercise by doing yard work. We need to mow and weed-eat.

Friday was a pretty stressful day, at home and work, and I did manage not to stress eat. Saturday, I think the "I don't cares" came back. I need to keep focused on my goals. 40 is not very far away.

4/19/07

Eating was better today. Ate a little too much at dinner, but made a couple of really good choices at lunch and for an afternoon snack.

It was a little chilly, and Sean & I were both tired, so we did not walk tonight. After supper, though, I felt more energetic, and did 2 sets 15 each of biceps curls, triceps extensions, butterflies and over head press. All with 10 lbs in each hand, except for 5's on the butterflies. And I did 1 set 25 on each side of 3 different thigh/hip exercises. I stretched, too. I felt better, physically and mentally after exercising. I'm sure I'll be sore tomorrow, since it has been so long since I've done any weight training, but it will be worth it!

4/18/07

333.2

I want to be at 300 by July 13th. I need to buckle down.

Eating was better yesterday. Still a little too much, but not as much too much, and not as compulsive. I am re-reading Picture Perfect Weight Loss that my health educator sent to me. It should help me to refocus. I've eaten veggies (other than just potatoes) at the last 2 meals. That's something new! I'm trying to incorporate more fruit and veggies. Tonight we're having chicken, rice and pineapple. I have baby carrots at work and at home for snacks.

We took a 35 minute walk last night. Weather was great! We plan on walking again Thursday.

Driving by Wal-mart tonight, I wanted to stop and get potato chips and dip just because I had money in my wallet. Not because I was hungry. I did at least manage to not buy any food. I did have some potato sticks at home, though. At least I saved my money.

4/16/07

After a REALLY busy week last week, I took today off work. Slept in till 10. GLORIOUS!!!!!

Set off this morning to be more intentional and careful about my eating, and so far so good. Although, I've only been up for for a little over 3 hours. Didn't eat everything on my plate for lunch, and had a fat-free pudding cup for dessert. We are having our "daughter" Amber over for dinner tonight, and I will eat some ice cream and a brownie for dessert, but I will limit my consumption of both.

Later this afternoon, we are going for a walk. The weather is nice again now. A little cool, but bright and sunny.

I'm going to drink a lot of water today, too. So far I've had two 25 oz bottles. I've just had the desire to eat continuously lately, and I think drinking lots of water should help fill me up so I can't.

Last night's sermon was about surrender. How many times have I surrendered my eating to God, and then taken it back again? Don't suppose I can count that high. But, I'm giving it a shot again. I can't do this on my own, but I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. (I Cor. 4:13)

4/15/07

So, my 40th b-day is 3 months away. I've not made as much progress as I wanted to by now. As a matter of fact, I've regressed since Easter. I did weigh in this week, sneakily, and it wasn't as bad as I thought it might be, but I'm still not going to record it. I've taken a week off. I'll record my weight, whatever it may be, this coming Wednesday.

I want to reach this goal. I'm giving myself 2 more splurge days, today and tomorrow, then it's back on the wagon. Weather is getting warmer, too, finally, so I can walk again. Hubby and I have a walk planned for tomorrow.

Andrea K. has a great strategy posted on her blog. She is eating what she likes, in controlled, reasonable portions. Since she is not depriving herself, she is not binging on the week-ends. That is so reasonable. I know that it is more a strategy for maintenance, but it seems to me also to be what "normal" people must eat like, and a goal I'd like to achieve.

4/10/07

Recovering from a binge this week-end.

Since Lent was over, I had WAY too much sugar and WAY too many potato chips Sunday. Felt pretty crappy yesterday. Wonder why? ;^) Hopefully, both the sugar and crappiness are out of my system, and I can start getting back to normal.

I don't know if I'll feel brave enough to weigh in tomorrow or not.

I did manage to get in some physical activity last night. Used the weed-eater and pulled some weeds by hand.

4/5/07

Eating choices not so good today, nor were portion sizes. However, I did do a 30 minute yoga work-out. Kathy Smith's New Yoga. I did the first part, which focuses on standing poses. Worked up a good little sweat, and the stretching felt great. I have 2 others that I borrowed from the library, and plan to do one on Saturday afternoon.

4/4/07

330.9

I've stayed the same now for 3 weeks. I'm okay with that. Happy that it is not a gain. Getting ready for TOM, so that may account for staying the same, too.

No exercise again yesterday, but pretty good food choices all day. Quantities a little large at dinner, but not bad. I had planned to work in the yard today, but it was WAY too cold and windy. Maybe tomorrow. I went to the library and borrowed some yoga tapes. I only have them for a week, so I'll try one of them on Saturday.

Pretty good food choices today, too. Too much bread and butter at dinner, but that was really the only problem. I haven't been feeling so compulsive about eating lately. Don't know why, but I'll sure take it.

4/3/07

Sorry no posts for awhile. It was a busy week-end, and not much exercise was involved. I did walk all over Sam's Club Sunday!

Friday was supposed to be my cheat day, and it was, but it ran over into Saturday, too. A little better on Sunday.

Yesterday, we had planned to take a walk; it was absolutely gorgeous outside. But we were both feeling tired and lazy, so we didn't. However, I did make good eating choices all day, and my portions were controlled.

3/28/07

330.8

Same as last week basically. And since I was sick and didn't work out much, I am okay with that. We took a 25 minute walk last night. We had a very nice breeze. We are going to stay at 25 minutes for a while, and then bump it up to 30. Eating was better yesterday, but still room for improvement.


The doctor gave me a script for prevachol, which is available generically at wal-mart for $4. I asked about going off the med after I bring the numbers down and lose weight. He said we could try it. He mentioned 50 lbs, which I was thinking too. We also discussed going off my blood pressure meds as I lose weight. He is willing to reduce it then and see what happens. So that is a reward to look forward to as I lose weight. He also gave me a z-pack for my cold. Said I should start to notice a difference in 3 days.

3/27/06

Had a great week-end at my parent's with family in from out of town, and celebrating my Dad's birthday. Over-ate some. But the big triumph was not eating any of Dad's ice cream cake. I had strawberries and bananas w/Splenda instead.

Finally exercised again yesterday. We walked for 20 minutes. We plan on walking again today, for at least 25 minutes.

Sean's blood glucose has come down 30 points! His doctor wants him to continue with what he's doing check blood work again in 2 months. I made an appointment to see my doctor Wednesday about my cholesterol. I'll keep you posted on what happens.

3/22/07

A couple of posts ago, I was beating up on myself about how hard it is to do the right thing. In today's Lenten devotional, based on Matthew 18:28-35, the writer really pegged it:

"Old habits are hard to break, even when alternatives are always before us."

This brought to mind Isaiah 43:18-19:

Do not remember the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I will do a new thing, now it shall spring forth; shall you not know it? I will even make a road in the wilderness and rivers in the desert.

I've been choosing the old paths lately. I'm tired, or too hungry, or stressed, and it takes more energy to go down a new path, so I go down the old path. But the old paths only lead to the same old places. I need to make a different choice. Did you ever see the Seinfeld episode where George needs to make opposite choices of what he would normally do? That's what I need to do: the opposite of what my instincts tell me.

BTW, I've added a link to a blog I read faithfully, Onederful Bound. Andrea K is a very inspirational lady, and I think you'll enjoy her blog, too.

3/21/07

330.5

Very please with that. Down 3 lbs from last week, at least from the official Tuesday weigh-in. Didn't do anything at lunch. I started getting a sore throat last night at choir rehearsal, and it was still sore today and I feel puny, so I just did beading on a bracelet for my uncle. (so if you read this before I see you, Terry, act surprised!) I ate a little too much, but had not eaten much so far today, so it will probably even out. At least, that's my rationalization for today.

********

I think the reason I've been so tired the last few days is because I was getting sick. I stayed home all evening, watching tv and beading. I'm posting this Thursday morning, and my throat is not so sore as yesterday, but I'm pretty congested and stuff seems to be settling in my chest. I usually get sick a few weeks before major singing events (Christmas, Easter) so this is not a big surprise.

My friend Shauna e-mailed me some encouragement, and another blogger that I read faithfully left an encouraging comment here for me too, regarding my beating up on myself. I seem to be past that, today anyhow.

This morning's devotional was really good. I'll post more about that later.

3/20/07--evening

Came here tonight to beat up on myself awhile. We didn't go for a walk. I was tired, so I took a nap instead. And I ate too much today. Again.

Why can't I just do what I know is right? Why does it have to be such a struggle to eat right and exercise? I know so much about what to eat and what not to eat, how much to eat, what to do. Why can't I just put it into practice?

Okay, so tomorrow will be a better day. I will go up to the gym and do something at lunch. And I will try to eat less, and better.

Just why does it have to be so hard???

(sorry, done whining now.)

3/20/07

Did better with my eating yesterday. Had too large of an evening snack, but I did eat a smaller supper to compensate. I waited too long for a snack, and got too hungry, so I wanted a lot of snack. Also had too much salt, which is reflected in some bloat this morning.

Sean and I took a walk last evening. One block further than last time. We plan on walking tonight, too. It's supposed to be near 70 today. The rest of the week calls for a chance of rain nearly every day, but I don't think it's supposed to be all day every day, so we're going to try to get more walking in. I need to do some weights and abs, too.

3/17

Happy St.Patrick's Day!

Took another walk at lunch yesterday. It was very breezy, and I should have worn my jacket. But once I got going I warmed up. Walked about a mile again.

Ate almost an entire box of Cheez-It Stix last night. Sean took a small, sensible portion, and I ate the rest. Mindlessly. While watching What Not to Wear. Great way to start the week-end. Ate a lot today, too. I can probably have a cheat day, but I need to get it down to one day. Right now, Friday's and Saturday's seem to be my cheat days. I need to get a lot stricter on the rest of the week, too.

3/16/07

Weighed in at 331.8 yesterday morning. After eating breakfast at home. That felt a little better. I want to try to get back to at least 329.1 by next Wednesday; hopefully below.

My doctor's nurse called me Tuesday. Since my cholesterol was still too high, he wants me to make an appointment to discuss treatment options. My first reaction was to get all huffy and think "I'm not going to take statin drugs." But once I calmed down, I will go ahead and make the appointment. I still don't want to take statins, but that's not the only option, and I don't even know that that's what he'll want me to do. I haven't been faithful to my fish oil/oatmeal routine, so I am going to try to be more so. I don't like the fishy burps I get
from the fish oil caps, so once I'm out of this bottle I'm going to switch to flax seed oil. Sean's going to take it, too.

Did weights yesterday at lunch. Today will be something aerobic, either in the gym, or outside if it is not too cold/raining.

Eating went better yesterday. Overate a little at dinner, but otherwise, pretty good. And I did eat my oatmeal and take 2 doses of fish oil.

3/14/07

333.5

Can't say I wasn't expecting that. Reaped what I sewed. I have just wanted to eat and eat this week, and I have. Haven't wanted to exercise, and I haven't. I did walk for about 10 minutes on lunch yesterday. It was beautiful. High yesterday got to 82 or so. I didn't want to walk at all, and I almost puttered around enough that I didn't have time, but I figured some was better than nothing, so I did it. Maybe if I do something even when I don't want to, I'll break out of this slump. I need to refocus. Again. I guess I shouldn't feel too badly about that. Refocus is necessary all the time, in all of life. An adjustment, a change of course, is pretty much par for the course. Keep changing things up until you find what works. So if you see my motivation out there anywhere, send it back my way, please!

*************

Walked for 25 minutes at lunch. It was beautiful out again. It got up to around 74. It's getting ready to rain this evening, and I wanted to get out and enjoy the day. And I did enjoy my walk. So maybe I'm finding my motivation again somewhere.

Today at lunch, for the first time in a long time, I didn't feel stuffed after I ate. I'm going to try to get my portions back in control, and eat more slowly.

*************

Here are the words from a song we rehearsed tonight for church Sunday night. I want to make it my prayer; for eating, for everything.

The Answer
Shane & Shane

I've tried more of me, and I've come up dry
Trading you for things, things that go away

My happiness is found in less of me and more of you
My happiness is found in less of me and more...

I have found the answer is to love you and be loved by you alone
Alright, alright, alright
You crucify me and the world to me and I will only boast in you
Alright, alright, alright.

Oh so satisfied, at the thought of you
Growing up in me, covering everything

My happiness is found in less of me and more of you
My happiness is found in less of me and more...

I have found the answer is to love you and be loved by you alone
Alright, alright, alright
You crucify me and the world to me and I will only boast in you
Alright, alright, alright.

3/13/07

We did go get our walk Sunday. About 20 minutes or so. Good first walk for the spring. Sean will need to work up to a longer time. It was a beautiful day, although the breeze was a little chilly.

Did 15 minutes on the elliptical yesterday. The chiller (whatever that is) in our building is busted, and it was SOOOO hot everywhere, including the gym. I was tired, and hot, and 15 minutes was all I could take.

Didn't mention it Sunday, cause I was hoping it would end on Sunday, but it didn't; I've been eating like a pig since Friday. Just haven't really cared enough to moderate it. Don't know if it is hormones, laziness or what. Actually, I suspect carbs are involved. They are addictive, and a big trigger food for me. I really need to find balance there.

Today's Lenten devotional writer understands:

I am a food addict, carbohydrates in particular. I especially lose all control around bread products. A friend who is a recovering alcoholic has taught me much about addictions. We often talk about the addiction to alcohol being different than the addiction to food. You can live without alcohol; you can’t live without food. She can avoid alcohol; I can’t avoid food. I can moderate my behavior toward food but that is more easily said than done.
Because of my unhealthy relationship with bread, the image of God as the Bread of Life has not been helpful. The kind of bread I buy at the bakery is not life-giving. I am never satisfied, and trying to satisfy the hunger only causes shame and insecurity, drawing me deeper into the chaos of addiction.
Then it dawned on me when receiving Holy Communion. It was the chaos that Jesus redeemed. When I leave the Lord’s Table, fed with the Bread of Life, my head is satisfied with the truth of Christ; my heart is content with Jesus as the object of my affection. My hope is nourished and my desire satiated, for what can I wish for more than to know Christ — hungry no more.

Heidi Hagstrom

Here's the scripture it's based on:

Very truly, I tell you, whoever believes has eternal life. I am the bread of life. Your ancestors ate the manna in the wilderness, and they died. This is the bread that comes down from heaven, so that one may eat of it and not die. I am the living bread that came down from heaven. Whoever eats of this bread will live forever; and the bread that I will give for the life of the world is my flesh."

John 6:47-51

My prayer today is that God will make my priorities right. Instead of always thinking about food, I need to always thing about Christ; the bread of life. I need to put food in it's proper place and perspective.

So may we all.

3/11/07

Sorry I haven't posted in a few days. Been busy. Intended to walk Thursday evening w/Sean, but got sidetracked. Didn't do anything Friday or yesterday, either. We are going for a walk this morning after Sean wakes up. It has been beautiful here the last few days. I think spring might finally be making her appearance. My crocus are blooming, and my daffodils are starting to come up. The city did some construction last summer, and I know my flowers have been disturbed, so once they all come up, I'm going to take pictures so I know where I need to plant in the fall. I don't do a lot of flowers, but I like bulbs, because you pretty much plant them and forget them. And if any needed thinned out, the city probably took care of that for me!

Got the results of my blood work for the company physical back:

Chol.: 12/5--234; 3/7--233; desirable <200
HDL: 12/5--41; 3/7--48; desirable >50
LDL: 12/5--167; 3/7--161; desirable <130
Chol/HDL ratio: 12/5--5.7; 3/7--4/9; desirable <2.6
Trig.: 12/5--130; 3/7--121; desirable <150
Glucose: 12/5--119; 3/7--101; desirable <100
TSH: 12/5--1.10; 3/7--2/36; desirable .4-4.5


I am particularly happy that the triglycerides and glucose have come down. I have more work to do on the cholesterol. Besides trying to eat lower fat, I'm going to add flax seed oil, and go back to oatmeal. :^( Got kinda tired of oatmeal, but oh well.

Sean's getting up, so it's time to go take that walk. Enjoy your day!

3/7/07.2

329.1!

Down 1.7, and out of the 30s. In the past 2 months, I've lost 10.5 lbs. I need to do my measurements again. I have a couple of pairs of jeans that I wear a belt with, and I have noticed that I have to do it up a little tighter. I don't know if the changes are such that any one else can notice yet, but I do. I tried on the elusive black scrub pants last week, and they still aren't fit for public consumption. The waist is getting looser, but the tummy looks like I have a butt in the front! UGH! I'll try them again in 10 more pounds.

I'm happy with the loss over the last 2 months. It is a little off my desired pace, and if I keep losing at the same rate I will miss my 40x40 goal. However, it is still great progress. I am going to try to increase the loss. There is definitely more room for improving both my eating and my exercise. But that does not diminish my accomplishment so far. I am very happy with what I have achieved.

Weight work-out today. Did 2 sets 15 each of seated chest press, leg extensions, triceps pull-down, low back extension, standing hamstring curls, seated shoulder press and biceps curls. Did it in a circuit again.

I'm having blood work drawn tomorrow, as part of our company insurance wellness program. For some reason, I'm not expecting better results than last year, even though I have lost weight, exercised, and done some better with my eating. I'll post results as I have them.

3/7/07

I had a pretty good eating week-end. Didn't really eat too much, I don't think. I did eat a lot of carbs, though, and I've been watching that the last 2 days to get that in control.

Didn't work out Monday. Yesterday I did 20 minutes on the cross trainer on the weight loss program. Today I plan on doing weights. I'm writing this before work, so I'll let you know how the weigh-in goes. I've weighted the last 2 mornings, after I've eaten breakfast, though, and I may see a gain.

3/4/07

Today's Lenten devotional really hit home for me. Here's the scripture:


Do not fret because of the wicked; do not be envious of wrongdoers, for they will soon fade like the grass, and wither like the green herb. Trust in the Lord, and do good; so you will live in the land, and enjoy security. Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him, and he will act. He will make your vindication shine like the light, and the justice of your cause like the noonday. Be still before the Lord, and wait patiently for him; do not fret over those who prosper in their way, over those who carry out evil devices. Refrain from anger, and forsake wrath. Do not fret - it leads only to evil. For the wicked shall be cut off, but those who wait for the Lord shall inherit the land. Yet a little while, and the wicked will be no more; though you look diligently for their place, they will not be there. But the meek shall inherit the land, and delight themselves in abundant prosperity.

Psalm 37:1-11

I'm in a situation where I am seeking the approval of others, and I'm not really sure why. I don't know that they are quite "evil", but theirs are not lives I want to emulate, yet my insecurity leads me to desire approval and acceptance. But the approval I really need to seek is God's.

The title for today's devotion is Blessed are the Meek. I know the work meek, but I wanted to see what the dictionary had to say:

meek
Main Entry:
meek
Pronunciation:
\ˈmēk\
Function:
adjective
Etymology:
Middle English, of Scandinavian origin; akin to Old Norse mjūkr gentle; akin to Welsh esmwyth soft
Date:
13th century
1 : enduring injury with patience and without resentment : mild 2 : deficient in spirit and courage : submissive 3 : not violent or strong : moderate
— meek·ly adverb
— meek·ness noun

Definition 1 is especially applicable here. Turning the other cheek. Waiting for God to move. Waiting for me to grow and mature.

Here is how the devotion finished up. It is a wonderful benediction, and my prayer:

Go now, beloved child of God; go in the knowledge that you are blessed. With the promise of blessing to come, live a life given to God, a life of meekness, trust and determination.

3/3/07

Ate like a pig Wednesday night after ArtReach. Just kept shoving food into my mouth. Then Thursday morning, I almost ate a donut without even thinking. Someone brought them in to work, and there was a maple-top cream-filled one, which is my fave. But I figured it would just make me feel worse about myself, so I didn't eat it. Then, at lunch, I could smell the donuts, and realized, you can't eat one of those, you gave up sweets for Lent! So I'm extra glad I didn't eat it.

Thursday night, I went to Kelly's house to do yoga then watch Survivor. The yoga tape had a Christian focus, and was fun. Worked up a little bit of a sweat, and neither of us fell over, so that was good. One of her cats, Max the Manx, decided he wanted to lie on my yoga mat. I guess it was comfy! I was sore on Friday, but nothing a couple of Advil couldn't handle. Today, my triceps are sore. Friday I did cardio, 20 minutes on cross trainer, so I couldn't be that. All I can figure is that downward dog made me sore. Oh well. If schedules allow, I think we're going to do yoga again this Thursday.

I had to go to the gas station to get a bag of ice tonight, and I was surrounded by candy. I really wanted some, too, but instead opted for some sugar-free Life Savers Fruit Tarts. Pretty tasty. I wanted to buy some cottage cheese, too, figuring on binging. But, a cottage cheese binge is nothing without potato chips, which I have also given up for Lent, so no go there. Hopefully, I'll make some good eating and spiritual habits during this season.

My devotional today mentioned mourning the loss of the familiar again. But I think maybe I would like to experience some unknown. Like what it's like to eat appropriate portions at appropriate times. To stop when I'm full. God's gonna be there when I get to these unfamiliar places, so maybe I should just jump in.

2/28/07

330.8

Down .1 lb. I was afraid I might see a gain, after this week-end. (how many times have I written that phrase?) After a 4 lb loss in a week, I'm not surprised to stay the same. I'm going to work hard, even this week-end, to break into the 20's.

I wrote the above paragraph at work today. Apparently, my will to work hard wore off sometime this afternoon. I ate bread at lunch and for a snack. Then I had chicken lo mein and beef and broccoli with rice for supper. And 2 steamed dumplings. After ArtReach, I had 2 more dumplings, some more lo mein, and bologna and cheese. I knew that I shouldn't; I wasn't really hungry. And I had beading to do to keep my busy. But I wanted it, so I did it. Immediate gratification. At the price of reaching my goals. Some sort of mental block going on here.

Did 20 minutes on the elliptical today, while reading People magazine. I haven't been in the mood to go to class lately. Nothing to do with the class or the people, just my mood. Tomorrow I'll take a day off if my friend Kim can have lunch with me, and then probably cardio again Friday. I'm going over to my friend Kelly's house Thursday night to do yoga before Survivor.

In my journaling this morning, I figured that today's Lenten devotional would prepare me for what was coming, as yesterday's did. And I was right. Some of my goals are to think less often of myself, more often of others; to realize that I am not always right or the best. This is from today's devotional, based on James 4:1-3,6-10, and it fits me pretty well:

We live in a proud, individualistic, materialistic culture that seems to be at odds with the themes in this segment of scripture. James reminds us that we are needy and selfish, argumentative and demanding. We are entitled to instant gratification, taking what we want whether we can afford it or not. James calls us to be counter-cultural, naming the mourning we shall endure when we make the sacrifice. He reminds us that Jesus blesses us with all that we need anyway.

Realizing that you're a greedy hypocrite is never fun. This morning I dared to pray for humility, although that prayer scares me a little. But I know my God does not punish me for my prayers. He may allow things that I find unpleasant to come into my life, but it's for my good. I guess this moodiness is part of the mourning process. Mourning those old ways that I am familiar with, whether or not they are right and good. But I need to look for the comfort in my mourning. Those whom he loves he corrects. I was looking over the scriptures I picked out for my Lent inspiration, and this one stood out to me today:

Psalm 19:9-11 (The Message)

7-9 The revelation of God is whole and pulls our lives together. The signposts of God are clear and point out the right road. The life-maps of God are right, showing the way to joy. The directions of God are plain and easy on the eyes. God's reputation is twenty-four-carat gold, with a lifetime guarantee. The decisions of God are accurate down to the nth degree. 10 God's Word is better than a diamond, better than a diamond set between emeralds. You'll like it better than strawberries in spring, better than red, ripe strawberries. 11-14 There's more: God's Word warns us of danger and directs us to hidden treasure. Otherwise how will we find our way? Or know when we play the fool? Clean the slate, God, so we can start the day fresh! Keep me from stupid sins, from thinking I can take over your work; Then I can start this day sun-washed, scrubbed clean of the grime of sin. These are the words in my mouth; these are what I chew on and pray. Accept them when I place them on the morning altar, O God, my Altar-Rock, God, Priest-of-My-Altar.

2/27/07, part deux

Ate WAY too much at lunch. Started out okay, with a baked potato, a little butter and sour cream, some bacon and green onions. I ate a little con queso dip also, without chips. Then I had some more con queso. Then I put some on my potato. I felt so stuffed. Which was a bummer after I had such a good work-out. It wasn't emotional eating today. It was just because it tasted good.

I did weights today. Two sets 15 each of seated chest press, leg extension, bicep curls, bent over flies, triceps pull downs, low back extension, seated shoulder press and hamstring curls. Instead of doing 2 sets in a row, I did circuit, and I felt like I got a better work-out. On the seated shoulder press, I could actually do 2 sets of 15, instead of 1 of 15 and 1 of 10. Someday, I'll actually add a weight, instead of just using the weight of the machine! (which is 15-20 lbs.)

Dinner was ham and pineapple pizza, with a few jalapenos, on a boboli crust. Quite nummy!

2/27/07

The theme for the Lenten devotional I'm using is Blessed are Those Who Mourn. Here is the intro to each lesson.

Through the season of Lent, we take a look at ourselves; we examine our lives to find those things in us that need to be changed. When we do, we may find ourselves sad at what we discover. But Jesus has told us this is an opportunity for blessing. Open your heart to be blessed today; in your mourning watch for the comfort offered by Jesus.

My current, trying to be former, ways of eating are comfortable to me, in their own warped way. My weight is the same; it is what I know, so it is the easy path. Not a path that is good for me, but I know this path. My feet go there automatically. And the same with my anxious thoughts; the paths are well-trod, I know where to place each step. So in trying to make this change, physically, spiritually, emotionally, each new step is a bit frightening. Maybe even terrifying. This is somewhere I've not been before. I'm not so keen on the unknown. I like to be in control. But really, am I ever in control? And, with my control, have I been doing such a great job?

Today's devotional was based on Psalm 23. Most often heard at funerals, I take great comfort in it for life, too. God will always provide for me, even in hard times, of my own making or those thrust upon me. When I stray from the correct path, he'll guide me back. When I'm having trouble even finding the right path, he'll be there.

The opening line of this Psalm always seems like both a confirmation and a prayer. I shall not want. God will provide. But also, I pray for my greed to go away. Greed for food, money, stuff, things, approval.

So bringing this back around to the whole mourning perspective, when I fail to meet a goal, eat too much, whatever, it is okay to mourn a bit. Mourn my old, "comfortable" lifestyle. Change is scary. It's okay to be afraid. But change I must. I trust my God, and that he is leading me into greener pastures and still waters. It will be okay. Better than okay, as my husband is fond of saying.

2/26/07

Ate poorly most of the week-end. I ate emotionally. And I knew it, too. But I didn't want to stop it. A situation had me a little sad and anxious, and I turned to food instead of God. And the scales will probably reflect it Wednesday.

I am going to fast from potato chips for Lent, too. Sweets don't seem to be such a big deal. I was eating a few, but in fairly controlled portions, such as my 100-calorie packs. However, chips are much more challenging. Sean gets single serving packs when he orders from Footers, but he doesn't usually eat them. So there were 4 packages accumulated on top of the fridge, and I managed to eat all 4 over the course of the week-end. They are a binge-starter for me. So potato chips are out. I've not been so great about limiting bread to breakfast, either. I'll eat a potato chip sandwich! (which is delicious, but TERRIBLE!) So I need to work harder on that, too.

I e-mailed the first 2 paragraphs to myself from work this morning. I'm not sure why it never occurred to me to do that before. I can do it quickly, and get down thoughts as they happen. I may be doing that more often.

Eating went well today. I intended to have some jalapeno cornbread w/supper, which was yummy chili that Sean made. But I forgot, and now have no room for it. So, in a startling and unusual move, I'm NOT GONNA EAT ANY!!!!

I did 20 minutes on the treadmill today. Started out on the weight loss program, but it went too fast too quick, so I switched to manual. Used an incline of 2, top speed of 2.7 or 2.8.

Oh, and the situation I was anxious about worked out fine. God's pretty cool like that.

2/22/07

Did a weight work out today. Arms, chest and lower back. Eating was pretty good until dinner, when I had a couple of unnecessary slices of bread and butter. However, I did not eat the sugar-free Peeps my friend Shauna gave me. (Thank you Easter bunny!) I will save them for my Easter basket. They're made with Splenda, so I doubt there will be much of a difference in taste from the regular ones.

Here's a link to the devotional I did today. The best part starts at about 3/4 down the page, with "Reflections on Lent." As Shauna pointed out on her blog, it's gonna be more than just giving up sweets. For me, it's giving up control, and/or realizing I never had control in the first place. I am the one who has chosen this path; I have said I want Christ to be the leader in my life. So I need to let him lead. The passage in 2 Chronicles really hit home for me. I think too highly of myself and my abilities, and too often. The focus needs to be on Christ. He is the one who has given me anything that I have to offer.

2/21/07

330.9!!!!!!

I really wasn't expecting that. Not sure how it happened, but I'll take it! That makes 8.7 lbs since January 10, and 20.4 lbs since October 2005. Slow going, but definitely the right direction.

Did 20 minutes on the cross trainer today, on the weight loss program. Ate pretty well, too. I'm going to give myself another week on the reduced carbs, then test my blood glucose again.

Speaking of, Sean's fasting was high at his doctor's appointment this week, and his cholesterol and triglycerides were high, too. The doctor has put him on some oral diabetic meds, and he'll do blood work again in 2 weeks. He is trying to make small changes, but we all know how hard lifestyle changes are. I am very proud of him for how he is trying.

Here's the Lenten devotional I'm using. Seems pretty good so far.

2/20/07

Just finished enjoying 2 fat-free chocolate and vanilla pudding cups. I'm giving up sweets for Lent, and wanted one last hurrah. There are obvious health benefits, but I hope spiritual as well. When I want sweets, I can turn to God:


Psalm 34:8 (New International Version)
8 Taste and see that the LORD is good; blessed is the man who takes refuge in him.

Psalm 119:102-104 (New International Version)
102 I have not departed from your laws, for you yourself have taught me.
103 How sweet are your words to my taste, sweeter than honey to my mouth!
104 I gain understanding from your precepts; therefore I hate every wrong path.

Last year, I gave up added salt for Lent. Again, health reasons, and to help remember that I am to be the salt of the earth (Matt. 5:13)

I am going to make myself a little Easter basket, with some Peeps and Cadbury Mini eggs, to be enjoyed after services Easter Sunday.

I did 20 minutes on the elliptical today, on the interval program. Forgot to take my mp3 player to work, but fortunately I had a good magazine. And no one else was watching the tv near me, so I could watch what I wanted. Which was the local noon news and some garden show.

2/19/07

Didn't do so great with my eating over the week-end. I did manage to climb 5 flights of stairs, one flight at a time, at Casino Aztar Saturday. Anytime I had to go to the bathroom, I made myself go up at least one level.

Starting today, I'm working on limiting my simple carbohydrate consumption. I eat way too many, and need to change that. Had an english muffin with breakfast, then no simple carbs till my snack after work. Potato chips. But, about all that was left in the bag was 1 serving, so at least my portion size was good! Although the portion of queso I ate with it was not so controlled. Had rice w/dinner, but, again, an appropriate portion. My eating goal for tomorrow is to make a better snack choice after work.

Didn't work out today. I went to a doctor's appointment with Sean, and just took a 1/2 hour lunch to make up for some of the time I missed. I will do some sort of cardio tomorrow.

5 Things you didn't know about me

I was just reading through my friend Wendy's blog, and realized that she tagged me to post 5 things you didn't know about me. So here they are:

1) I used to be a D.J. I started at a country station in my home town of Casey, IL, and progressed to WPFR in Terre Haute in my last year or so of college (1989). Back in the day, PFR was THE station in Terre Haute. It's part of how I met my husband.

2) I have 2 tattoos. A treble clef with some tribal stuff above and below, on my right hip just below the pantie line, and 2 treble clefs (see a theme here?) mirror-imaging each other, with some tribal-looking musical notes to either side, on the small of my back.

3) I tried out for Jeopardy. Missed by one. (That's what Alex tells you to say in his video-taped message.) I'll try out again someday.

4) John Travolta was my first crush.

5) I LOVE Barry Manilow!

So now, I'll tag Shauna, Scot, & Jack.

2/14/07

Happy Valentine's Day!

335.5

Exactly the same as last week. Which I suppose is okay. I've not been working out much, and my eating hasn't been great, so at least I didn't gain.

Didn't work out yesterday. We had ice and snow yesterday, and were missing several people at work, so by the time I got to take lunch (1:30) I was pretty hungry and shaky, and just went to eat instead of work out. Today, we were missing even more people. Fortunately, it is a slow patient day, too. We just took 1/2 hour lunches, and I didn't have time to work out. I could have done something, but I really didn't want to. I'll get back on track. Probably not tomorrow. Probably next week. I'll just need to be very careful with my eating.

Speaking of which, a drug rep brought in some yummy V-day cupcakes. I had one, and a piece of a giant frosted cookie someone brought in. I guess I'll be careful tomorrow.

2/12/07

Have you ever been journaling, and what came out of your pen just seem to come from nowhere? That's what happened with me this morning in my life journaling time. Here's what I wrote this morning, after reading Leviticus 18 & 19:

So many rules in Leviticus! But again, they are for our protection, our health and safety. We need boundaries--without them, we would just do whatever felt good, and reap the consequences later.

This applies directly to my eating. I don't want to follow any rules. I want to eat whatever I want, when I want. But that's how I got to where I am today. I've spent 39 years not following the rules--no wonder it's so hard trying to follow them now! But I've got to if I want to reach my goals.

Help me, Lord. You've made guidelines for everything, including how I eat. Help me to eat foods that are good for me, in quantities that are good for me. Help me to get the exercise my body desires. Let the desire for what's good win out over the cravings for what is bad for me.

So that's what's been on my mind today. And I think I was able to put it into practice some. Went to tone and tighten class, where we did an all-over workout. I ate pretty well today, too. And I made a new 40 x 40 bracelet. I've lost the other one. Stupid toggle clasp. Once I sewed the twist into the 40 x 40 section, the toggle didn't want to stay the right direction, and would come off more easily than I would have liked. Which it must have done at some point Friday, which is the last time I remember having it on. So I made a new one, a little different, with a lobster claw clasp. Harder to get on, but also harder to get off. I'll post a pic soon.

2/10/07

(I tried to post this Thursday, but something was wrong with the site. So here goes again)

335.5

Not surprising, considering how I ate over the week-end. How do you stop doing what you know is a bad habit? It is a very difficult habit to break. But I must find a way to do it. Still, I had 3 straight weeks of loss, and I feel confident I can take this off, too. I will be starting my period in a few days, which may make a difference. But I really don't want to blame too much on that. It is more the way I ate over the week-end.

My eating has been better the last 2 days. A couple of sessions of out of control, mindless eating, but not the entire day.

I didn't work out yesterday. Sean is still sick, and I went to the drug store to get him some medicine at lunch. And the medicine seems to be helping. Today, I did 20 minutes on the cross-trainer on the weight loss setting.

(Now to current posting)

I didn't work out yesterday. Sean is still sick, and didn't feel like going to the credit union after work, so I went at lunch. My eating was better during the day, but excessive at night.

2/6/07

Well, the detox went well during the day. I had a bit of a headache, but that may have been from the weather. We got 4 or 5 inches of snow. Which, as a side note, resulted in me getting some exercise in. Since it was a light, fluffy snow, I shoveled (more pushed) our front walk, and the neighbor's walks on either side. I was rewarded with stickers from my neighbor girls! And I did a path through our back yard to the drive. Didn't take long, but did work up a little sweat.

So, by the time I got home from work and got the shovelling done, I was STARVING. I had 2 big bowls of chili, with too much cheese and sour cream. I ate way past full; it just tasted so good. I have to break that habit. It is just a habit. I need to slow down, and stop when I'm full.

I read some more of my eating mindfully book at lunch today, and I hope I can apply some of the techniques from it.

2/5/07

Ate WAY too much while watching the super bowl last night. YAY COLTS! Ate a little too much today, which I took off work because I knew I'd be up too late after the game. So, tomorrow I'm going to do a detox of sorts, to help get back on track. I've got a couple of Fuze Slenderize juices, and I'll have soup for lunch, and drink a lot of water. Sean is sick, and hasn't wanted much to eat, so we'll probably have something light, like soup, for supper. Since I'm not going to eat (much), I'm not going to work out. I'll pick that up again on Wednesday. I'll do some weights tonight while I'm watching Two and a Half Men and Rules of Engagement.

2/3/07

Did a weight work out yesterday. I was in a much better mood, but didn't get to go to lunch until about 1, so didn't go to class. I did run in to Rebecca, one of the teachers of tone and tighten, and filled her in on where I've been this week. I don't have to answer to them, but it does help keep me accountable. We'll see what next week brings. If I still don't feel like going to class, I'll do machines. So long as I'm doing something, it will be alright.

Had a wonderful dinner with my friend Kim last night at Harry & Bud's before going to see Hello Dolly at the Community Theater. I had spinach and basil pesto soup to start, and a pasta with sun dried tomatoes and mushroom ragout. FABULOUS! The soup was served with a thick slice of bread with a tomato chutney. If you like dill, you have to try their chicken salad. Enough for at least 2 people. They call it a sandwich, but it is impossible to eat as such; you must use a fork.

The Super Bowl party at church has been cancelled. I'm still going to make my chili, and take it to Kevin and Kelly's to watch the game after church. We have watched all of the play-off games there, with great results for the Colts, so I have high hopes!

2/1/07

Weighed in yesterday at 333.3. Only .8 lb, but 6.3 lbs in the last 3 weeks. Very happy with that!

I was kinda expecting a gain, as I've been eating too much this week, but very pleased to see the loss. I am on track so far to reach my goal of 40 by 40.

SOOOOOOOOOOO didn't want to work out yesterday or today, but talked myself into it. Won't get to my goals without working out. Didn't want to go to class yesterday; just wasn't in the mood to do a bunch of stuff I didn't want to do like lunges and squats and the stairs. So I did 20 minutes on the treadmill. Incline of 1 the whole time, and max speed of 2.7 or 2.8 or so. Today I did 20 minutes on the elliptical on a program that went up and stayed there, then down and up and stayed there again, then finished down.

I'm just kinda in a funk with not wanting to work out right now. So I'm just trying to keep talking myself in to going, even when I don't want too. I changed my birth control about 3 weeks ago, and I wonder if that is contributing to my moodiness. I doesn't seem to be all the time; mostly when it comes time to work out. I suppose could be the cold, kinda dreary weather. Or I might just be lazy. Whatever it is, I'm still gonna shoot for at least 4 days a week.

I feel like eating a lot lately, too. Last night, after Art Reach, I went to Wal-mart. I wasn't hungry. But just because I had money, I wanted to get a snack. And not something healthy. And a lot of whatever it was. But, I got to shopping in the bead section, and walked out with just beads and a bunch of bananas for breakfasts. Distraction to the rescue! I did end up snacking, but at least I fought of the urge for a little while. And saved my money.

So I guess I need to re-focus. Which may be difficult what with the Super Bowl party/chili cook-off at church Sunday. I'll take some diet soda, and maybe a couple of 100 calorie candy bars to share. [I'll only eat one, promise ;^)]